Wednesday, July 13, 2011

i look at her picture and i cry.


she was sick. i was cancer, stage 4. 
radiotherapy, done. chemotherapy, done.
she was in pain like the other people who is in the middle of chemotherapy.
she lost her appetite, made her lost some weight.
she lost her hair, made her head bald. she couldn't walk as her leg was in pain. the cancer had spread all over her body.

she was taken care by my aunt all the time. only when she was taken by Ayah to be treated traditionally in Selangor, i took care of her for about 4 days.
she liked to tell story, about Ayah's childhood. About her sadness. 4 days later she went back to my aunt's home.

I went to Yogyakarta in August and when it was Raya holidays in September, i went back to Malaysia.
She was thin or maybe skinny. 1st day of Syawal, she was admitted to the hospital. We beraya at the hospital. She was weakened and in her slept, and i saw her pain.
holidays ended, i went back to Yogyakarta.

Holidays in February, i went back to Malaysia. She looked healthy. Alhamdulillah. she regained her weight, and her hair grew again. I bought her a scarf from Yogyakarta.
She was really glad that she put it on rightaway. It was the first thing i ever bought for her. And, i never knew it would 'the only thing' too. and i never knew that it was the last time i could see her.
it was the last time i hugged her. And she gave her advice and du'a like she always did.
"belajar rajin-rajin, dik. semoga Allah kurniakan rezeki yang melimpah-limpah".
and she handed some money like ahe always did, saying
"ini buat beli jajan (snacks)."

i was back in Yogyakarta when one day in April, i saw Ibu's status saying that she was gone. i was sure someone sms-ed me but, my handphone was broken at that time.
everyone went back to kampung. except me.

i wasn't there when she had her last breath.
i wasn't there when she was dikafankan and tahlil recited for her.
i wasn't one of the last faces that she saw.

at that time, i knew, i could not hug her anymore. Al-fatihah for my grandma.

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